Fati ka Naam Zindagi.... i.e. Life is always going to be fucked up
It is 1st January, and this day, LITERALLY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE.
My father coughed up blood today... his reports are bad and I am just a 19-year-old teenager, in the second year of my college, who still doesn't even know how to drive.
Can this day get any worse?
Well, considering my life, I won't challenge it.
So, the thing is that,
Ultimately, I am going to leave for my college, my mom is going to go back to her job, and my sister is in foreign, and my father will be left alone, and I DO NOT TRUST HIM that he will take care of himself.
So, what should I do? I know that HE WILL NOT take care of himself, and I can't/ shouldn't leave my college..... mom has a job of her own in a different city.... Sister has a job of he rown in a different country.... so........ what do I say to myself right now that can console me?
WHAT SHOULD I FUCKING SAY TO MYSELF THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER?????????????
Actually, this is the pattern of life now, the problems don't seem to have any solutions these days... and compromising with those problems isn't a possible solution.
Huh..... okay so,
I drank yesterday, I was very high, and I wasn't feeling human even then......... though I was feeling light, and smiling, and going out of my senses, losing my steps, but I wasn't "feeling". But it was better than the other days. Just for an hour or so.... till the high stayed.... that time was better than the other days.... where I am usually depressed.
I was out of my home.... we drank at a rice mill, it was very open and cold and lots of fresh air. I was feeling............... less packed? less blocked????? idk....
And then, I came back home, back in my room.... and oh how the anxiety came back in too... that stress... those sufferings..... that shit.....
And oh how I was completely being freaked out by the blue lights, that I myself decorated my room with.
And oh how the songs from my playlist were just not feeling..... 'mine'. I was not able to 'get into' my playlist
And oh how I ran to my terrace, in the cold night of 31st January, in just one t-shirt
And oh why I thought that it would make me feel any better????????????????
Actually it just made things worse.
Why am I so sad? why am I such a loser? why do I live a sad sad life? Why am I choosing it for myself? Why can't I be happy and run free and make jokes and have fun like every other human being............ why why why am I such an overthinker..... why can't I be just a happy teenager...........................
So to come back to the story.... I cried on the terrace, on my beautiful terrace, under the beautiful moon, on the foggy chilled night, even the sky wasn't pitch black, everything was ugly.... I fell down... like a broken toy falling down on the ground with a still face, I sat down on the cold and open terrace floor and I felt like crying... so I started crying... and within a minute or two, a voice in me said "stop victimizing yourself and stop acting like you've got so many problems and your life is soooooo tough and shit, stop acting and be normal"